The small things

If I have learned anything over the last year, it is to appreciate the small steps forward. It is so easy to look at Teague and think of all the things he should be doing at his age and to get discouraged when he does things that he should know is wrong. I am trying my hardest to focus on the positives, so here I go with a list of positives from lately:

1) Early this week as I was tucking Teague into bed and we were doing our usual bedtime routine which consists of me going through a list of songs he may want and he nods when I name the song he wants. I went through the list and he didn't signal that he wanted any of the songs. So I asked again if he wanted songs. He nodded yes and then held up one finger and blew on it like it was a candle. Teague is not one for imaginative play with the exception of pretending it is his birthday. That boy can constuct a birthday cake and candles out of anything, I am pretty sure it is because a dear friend made him the coolest dinosaur cake for his birthday. After he blew on his finger I asked if he wanted the birthday song and he got a huge smile and nodded. This was huge for us. Never before has he mimed what he wanted.

2) Teague has started going into speech without me. I will admit that I was a bit sad when he willingly walked away and never came looking for me. Today he walked away, a bit less willingly than last time, but still did it and was a good boy for his wonderful speech therapist. In the last month I have seen a huge improvement in the quality of his imitations. His spontaneous speech is still nonexistent, but that will come with time. He can't say words until he learns to imitate them.

3) He ate his sister's fish. I am sure that shouldn't be on this list as it was probably a terrifying death for the fish and his stomach is a bit unhappy about his choice of snack, but have you ever tried to catch a tetra with your bare hands? Those bastards are fast! I do give him credit for being able to catch one, hold onto it and get it into his mouth. That takes talent.

4) The girls and I have been reading a lot of books on Autism. They are starting to understand a bit more about why Teague does the things he does. Because of this, they react less harshly when he takes their toys or screams at them. Hailey has been so quick to learn new approaches to talking to him. She amazes me with her ability to speak to him calmly even after he has just hit her upside the head with a toy. Josie is still struggling at times to understand that Teague isn't being mean for the sake of being mean. Thankfully she doesn't know about the fish.

5) Tomorrow we start occupational therapy. I am really hoping it helps with his sensory seeking behaviors. I don't think that I can replace fish daily without Josie getting suspicious. Don't get me wrong, he has a few other sensory seeking behaviors that are far worse than fish eating, but that is the only one that would break his sister's heart.

In those moments that it is hard to hold onto those small victories, I turn on a song by Jason Mraz and it gets me back to the mindset that I need to be in. I don't think there is a better song to describe a bond between a parent and their child with special needs. 

That isn't strawberry sauce

Telling Teague to stop what he is doing is like telling a cat to come. It may happen, but it isn't because of what you said. I can't count the number of times a day I say "walking feet" or "stop running" but someone is always running. Always. Tonight was no exception.

After fleaing from the table, Teague was tearing through the living room when he fell face first into a wall. I heard the thud, but since it wasn't followed by screaming I was more worried about missing my opportunity to clean him off than him being hurt. Tonight's dinner was crepes with a strawberry sauce. Of course Teague only licked the sauce off the crepes, leaving speckles of strawberries all over.

I got him cleaned off and sent him on his way. A friend of mine told me that a boy is noise with dirt on it and that couldn't be more true about Teague. I wasn't surprised when a few minutes later I had to get more strawberry sauce off his head. It wasn't until I had made sure all the dishes were rinsed off and I was still wiping sauce off his head that I realized it wasn't strawberries. Whoops.

The lesson is that blood and strawberry sauce look identical on a noise with dirt on it.

One little word

When Hailey was a toddler, she was tested for developmental delays. At 13 months she wasn't talking, didn't respond to her name being called and was not walking normally. I remember the week leading up to the test I didn't eat or sleep. I probably shouldn't have drove to that appointment. I was a wreck. Her tests revealed that chronic ear infection had affected her hearing and balance and simple placement of tubes would help her hear and everything else fell into place.

Fast forward to today. Teague finally was seen by the developmental pediatrician.  Last night I got the best sleep I have had in months because I knew what was going to be said today.

Autism

How can one little word make your heart stop, give you determination unlike you have ever felt, scare the shit out of you and give you an odd peace all at once?

It was truly no surprise. I have had a gut feeling since just after he was 18 months old, but in that moment I had to fight the urge to tell the doctor she were wrong. Did she not see how smart my little boy was? How he was loving in his own way? Then it hit me, having Autism doesn't mean he isn't smart, it doesn't mean he isn't loving. He is the same little boy today that he was last week, still smart, still loving and still a bit naughty.

That one little word will mean more therapies, different approaches to problems, and teaching the girls (and others) a bit more compassion and understanding. Thankfully I won't be walking this path alone. I am blessed to know several amazing people that are Autism parents. I will gladly take on this new role as an Autism mom, because I wouldn't change a thing about Teague. He is perfect the way he is.


A letter to my son:

Oh Bubby, it seems life has thrown us another curve ball. But together, with determination and probably a fair amount of cussing from me, we will make it work. It won't be easy, but this is my promise to you:

• I promise that I will fight to give you every opportunity to succeed.
• I promise to walk beside you through life, ready to guide you and help you up should you stumble. 
• I promise to let you fall at times, just like I do with your sisters. We learn best from our mistakes and I want you to learn all that life has to offer.
• I promise to never let you fall too far. 
• I promise to tell you I love you several times of day and wait patiently for you to learn the words to say it back. Until then, I will gladly accept the occasional  "yeah" in response.
• I promise to make other see you as the person you are rather than a diagnosis. 
• Lastly, I promise to do my best. I know I won't be perfect so please be patient with me and know I am trying. 

I love you,
Mama