When in doubt, blame Autism

I have tried to step away from the news today. Reading about the senseless death of children once is more than enough. I didn't need to read over and over about how 20 children would not be coming home from school. I didn't need to see the pictures of terrified children holding hands as they vacated the school. Instead, I was going to spend the night curled up on the couch with my kids and giving them every ounce of love I could.

That will come, but first I must get the anger out of me. This anger is not towards the gunman (I will not use his name, he doesn't deserve to be recognized). I got that anger out while my children were at school. This is a new anger, an anger directed at the media. News reports are now saying the shooter  had "Autism symptoms" as if that was a contributing factor.

This is not the first time an Autism Spectrum Disorder has been the focus after a mass shooting. After the Aurora cinema shooting, Joe Scarborough alleged that the shooter had Asperger's. I was unable to find anything to substantiate that claim. It may be out there, I am a horrific Googler and I may have missed a million articles on the subject. But in the articles that I did see, it was all one man's beliefs about another man he had never met before.

I do not know anything about either shooters, aside from the fact that they hurt an unimaginable number of people with their actions. What I do know is that people coming out and placing the blame on Autism/Asperger's/PDD-NOS is not the way to go. We cannot lump the actions of a few men and use that to define a group.

I am fortunate to be a parent to a child with Autism. He has a hard time expressing his feelings and is often in his own world, but then there are moments, moments like the video below, where you can see the person deep down inside. You can see the caring and gentle person inside.

I ask that you remember that people are more than just a diagnosis. My son is more than just his Autism and his actions are not solely because of his diagnosis. Just as the actions of the gunmen in Aurora and in Newton are not defined by "Autism characteristics."

Well shit!

I am super awesome at three things. I can make awesome mashed potatoes. My Grandpa Pat taught me the secret and no, I won't share it. I have mad crafting skills and can do MacGyver type crafting. Give me some hot glue, 3 inches of felt and a Bedazzler and I can make a functioning boat. No lie. Lastly, I have mastered denial and have made it into an art form.

I did just a bit of research on Chiari Malformation over the last week. I try not to Google things when it comes to my kids. Mostly because I am horrible at internet searches and would come across a website stating all their symptoms point to Antarctic Swine Polio. In the limited Googling I did do, these are the Chiari symptoms I came across:

1. Headache
2. Progressive scoliosis
3. Cerebellar dysfunction (difficulty with balance, low muscle tone)
4. Alteration of voice
5. Frequent respiratory tract infections.
6. Suspended alteration of sensation (arms are affected, but not legs)
7. Spasticity

Red Flag symptoms:
1. Severe swallowing problems
2. Tachyarrythmias
3. Severe nausea
4. Central Sleep apnea

All of the bolded symptoms are ones Josie has. Even with that, I was still able to deny that this was her issue. If this was her issue, she would need major surgery. On her head. No, in her head. So even though they found a Chiari Malformation, in no way was it severe enough to cause her symptoms, there must be something much less scary to blame.

I was able to tell myself that until today when the MRI results came in the mail. I searched the page hoping to find the words "Sorry, we made a mistake. Not only does everything look awesome, but she also has a tiny unicorn living in her skull." Unfortunately those words weren't on the page. Instead words like "below the level of the foramen magnum of approximately 12mm" and "small CSF flow" were in their place.

Even I can't deny that. Shit.

One a high note, only thing I am great at (great, not awesome) is finding a silver lining. The silver lining to this is patients with a 12mm Cerebellar Tonsil always have symptoms. So there is a high chance this will explain everything.  Now I just need to find a magical fairy that can wave her wand and put Josie's brain where it should be. Maybe she can even put that tiny unicorn in there too.

So close I can almost taste it!

I never thought we would hear the words "that may explain Josephine’s symptoms." After years of false hope, I had basically resigned myself to the fact that we may never our explanation. Today was really no different. I went into Josie's MRI thinking "this will be another test that leaves us with more questions than answers" and wondering why I was putting either of us through it.

Because Josie had to fast before the blood work, we left early for the procedure so she didn't have to watch as the other two kids ate. We went to an indoor play area and spent a few hours laughing and playing. There is something about a water pump and pretty rocks that takes her mind off being hungry.

The MRI went very smoothly. I went with as she went under anesthesia. In the past, she has gone under swinging, today it was peaceful. That peace carried through the long wait for her to be done and into her waking up. Everything when smoothy until Josie started yelling at her nurse for shooting her while she slept. I kept trying to tell her that giving her an IV is not the same as shooting her, but there was no changing Josie's mind. She continued to complain about being shot even as we were leaving the hospital.

I was prepared to have to wait over the weekend for the results, but as we were pulling in to get our customary donut I got an email from Dr. Randy. The MRI showed a Chiari Malformation. Basically, the the area where Josie's skull meets her spine isn't wide enough and puts pressure in places where there shouldn't be pressure. A Chiari Malformation would explain all the symptoms, BUT because of how common it is, it may just be that she has this plus something else. If that is the case, you will be able to find me completely drunk in my back yard.

The next week weeks will be crazy. Dr. Randy wants Josie to meet with a neurosurgeon and wants Teague and Hailey to get in for an MRI. The one good thing is that Hailey and Teague get to bypass all the other tests and go straight to the MRI.

Hailey's garden update

Each evening, Hailey goes out to water and weed her little plot of vegetables, careful not to harm any of the plants and reports back just how much they have grown since the day before. I was a bit worried that the novelty of a garden would wear off, but she is grows more proud of it with each day.

The sixth delivery of vegetables was made today. So far Hailey has helped a disabled Vet, a young couple and a woman who is obviously struggling. In true Hailey fashion, she is able to find the beauty in each person she helps. Today was no different. We met a woman outside the super market that had the look of someone that had been using meth for some time. She was missing her teeth and scratched violently at her arms as she rocked on a bench, but as we walked away Hailey said "did you see how her eyes sparkled when she smiled?" 

When this little journey started, I figured it would be a good lesson to Hailey about how plants grow and maybe a bit about helping others.  We would spend hours discussing the different plants, giggle about how much dirt we had under our nails, and maybe make a delivery or two of veggies. While we did talk about the plants and giggle about dirt under our nails, I never imagined how much time we would spend talking with the people we brought the food to. I think this is what has made Hailey so determined to make her garden successful. She is no longer growing the food for a stranger, she is growing them for her new friends.

So far Hailey has been able to pick peas, beans, carrots (side note: carrots don't like to be transplanted), spinach and a handful of cherry tomatoes. The peas yielded more than I thought they would. The six plants were able to fill eight sandwich bags. I am not sure if that is a lot for a pea plant. I was not blessed with a green thumb so I just assumed they would die after giving us a pea or two.

Since summer finally started to grace Washington, Hailey's tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers may have a chance to grow. Let me rephrase, maybe the fruit will grow on the tomato plants. The tomato plants are ridiculously tall.

I will need to stand on the fence to get the tomatoes from the top

Hailey and I have already started talking about which veggies we will plant in the fall. I think we will try carrots again but this time I won't touch them. 

Religion, homosexuality and a very curious six year old

I am very blessed to have people in my life that are different races, religions and economic statuses. I am even more blessed to have these people in my children's lives. Because of the different perspectives, it has opened up the door to some wonderful conversations with the kids.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a religious person so when the topic of religion was brought up I struggled to come up with a way to explain it without letting my feelings get in the way. In the end, the kids were told that religion is like having a favorite color. You love that color and feel with every fiber of your being that it is the best color. My children have come to learn that their "color" may not be the same as their friend's "color" and that is ok. It is ok to have a different "color" and be proud of that "color," but you should never force your "color" on someone or put down someone or their "color." The girls understand that it is all these different colors and all the different beliefs that make the world such an amazing place and it would be a dull world if everyone had the same favorite "color."

Hailey is one of those children that asks questions from the minute she wakes up until well after she should be in bed. It is one of my favorite qualities in her, but it often leads to topics being brought up that I wouldn't expect to talk about with a six year old. Naturally one day she asked why we don't like the other "colors" and this led to the topic of heaven, hell and homosexuality. I am often amazed at the things that come out of Hailey's mouth as she is wise beyond her years. When I explained that many people disagree with two men or two women getting married her response was "if they don't agree with it, then they shouldn't do it. But really, how does it affect them?" I wish I had an answer to that question. She asked me it days ago (and a few times since) and I honestly do not know how it affects others.

Over the last few days I have read hurtful messages in response to Gay marriage from both sides. I do not understand how as adults this is considered ok. Religion is such a personal experience and should be about a relationship between you and your God, not about degrading other human beings. Like I said, I am not a religious person, but everything I have read about God and what I have heard from friends is that God is about loving your fellow man regardless of their sins. I say be proud of your "color" but realize that not everyone feels the same and that is ok.

Tinker

Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week during the summer. We don't have any therapies or dance classes and it is Farmer's Market day. I am not like most people. I don't go to the Farmer's Market for the produce or handmade scarves, I go for cupcakes. In my mind, cupcakes are more healthy at the market because they are always next to a produce stand. Don't ask me why that helps, but it does.

Usually the kids and I spend about 10 minutes walking around and looking at things, grab our cupcakes, play at the park for a bit and then head back to see the rest of the market. Teague is generally not a fan of the crowds, so we keep it short and sweet. The second trip through is when I buy some veggies, but that is only because I feel guilty about eating a cupcake before 10am. I know I said they are healthier at the market due to their proximity to produce, but I never said healthy, hence the guilt.

Today the kids and I did our usual routine. We smelled the flowers, shot the shit with the man selling plants and then made our way to the cupcakes. They never ask what flavor any of the cupcakes are, they pick based on what is on top or what color it is. There are usually a dozen or so flavors to pick from, but the girls always discuss which one looks best and they both pick that one.

After getting our cupcakes, we made our way to the park. We were almost there when Josie fell and dropped her cupcake. Of course it landed frosting down on the sidewalk. Josie was more than a little upset and before I had a chance to say a word, Hailey piped in and said "Here Josie, why don't we trade. I don't really want frosting on mine." The girls swapped cupcakes and we made it to the park without any more tears.When we got home Hailey told me that she really did want the frosting, but wanted a happy sister more.

The other day I was talking with someone about the kids. I told her that Hailey had this incredible ability to sense what others need without being told and help them. She can calm down Teague faster than I can when he gets upset by picking up on little clues that I often over look. The woman is very Irish and was telling me that the Irish have a word for people like that. They call them a Tinker. Often it refers to people who fix objects, but it can also be used to describe people who fix problems. I don't think I could ever sum up Hailey in one word, but if I needed to, I think "tinker" is perfect.

The jingle of doom

I know the exact time the ice cream man makes his loop around our cul-da-sac. Just after 2:00 every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday the jingle from the truck fills our home, so does the sound of Josie crying and Hailey getting angry. For the last three years, that jingle has been a reminder that the kids are different. It not only reminds me, it reminds them as well. Having Dysphagia means they can't run out to the ice cream truck on a hot day like all the other kids. That is, until this year.

A few weeks ago we heard the ice cream truck coming down the street and both Josie and Hailey reacted as they usually do. Hailey said "It isn't fair. Why can't they carry ice cream that we can eat?" That sparked something in me. She was right, why couldn't they carry ice cream for my kids?

After a few phone calls, I was able to get a hold of the man that owns the ice cream truck on base. We talked for some time and he finally agreed to keep ice cream for the kids as long as I provided it. No biggie. I did say that we would basically pay him rent in his freezer. I want the kids to have a normal experience with buying ice cream, which includes giving the man money.

I spent hours and hours searching for the perfect recipe. I didn't want it to be too boring for the girls, or too different tasting for Teague and they all had to be the same. I went with a caramel frozen custard. I did add some xanthan gum to make sure that when it thaws it is still thick enough.

Today, at 2:07, after 3 years of tears every time the truck drove by, my kids got to buy ice cream from the ice cream man.

 It was rainy and cold, but it was still the perfect day for ice cream.

Biopsy results

The other day I received the results from Josie's biopsy. Everything looked normal with one exception. The sample showed enlarged mitochondria. The neurologist didn't really know what this meant, other than it lead us away from the diagnosis he originally thought which is a myasthenic syndrome.

I did not take this news well. In fact, I took this news with a ton of wine, potatoes and bacon. I do not recommend this combination, it sucks the next day.

The next step was to see a new geneticist and thankfully we already had an appointment with him for today. The geneticist said it was not mitochondrial and basically I spent 2 days freaking out and drinking for no reason. He believes we are dealing with an unknown type of myasthenic syndrome.

Basically, all the results did was show that we don't know the type of myasthenic syndrome and scared the shit out of me. I am not really sure what comes next. The neurologist was ready to pass us off to a different neurologist specializing in mitochondrial disorders, but now apparently that doesn't need to happen. I think it is that the neurologist wants to get rid of me because I refer to him as Dr. Randy and not by his last name. What can I say? I am a 10 year old boy that giggles every time I say it.

Ants in the pants

The other day I was asked to get a specific photo for some mommy friends (sorry ladies, I failed). While I was attempting to get the picture, Teague and I sat in the center of the cul-du-sac. Teague was happily watching, catching and occasionally eating ants. We are working on getting him to stop the last part.

After sitting there for about 10 minutes and realizing this picture wasn't going to happen so I turned to tell Teague we were going inside. As I turn, I see him dropping something into the back of my pants. I asked if he put something in my pants, he said no, followed by a long pause, a sheepish smile and then ultimately "yup."

I changed after we got inside and found 7 dead ants in my pants. I hope for their sake that they were dead prior to before entering my pants.

If you plan a trip to the musem.....

If you plan a trip to the museum, you will want to take your camera.

Taking your camera will remind you to make your children look presentable.

While making your children look presentable, you will remember that your son has a rat tail.

You grab the scissors to cut the off rat tail.

Seeing the scissors will terrify your son and he will run away, right into the corner of a wall.

Running into a corner will cause a contusion on his forehead.

The contusion on his forehead will result in you arriving at the museum 2 hours after you had planned.

The late start to the museum will lead to very hungry children.

To keep the children quiet on the car ride home, you pacify them with a cookie.

Your son will proceed to get the cookie all over his face and hair.

You will now need to bathe him.

Chances are, when you are bathing your son, you will be reminded that your child still has a rat tail.

Fred Meyer for the win!

I have to admit that I have a bit of shoe envy. Teague has the most awesome pair of rain boots ever. He is pretty damn fond of them too. Teague is a boy of few words, but he is currently sitting on my lap, looking at the picture to the right and proudly yelling "boots!"

There are two things that Teague absolutely hates: change and things on his feet. When we try putting things on his feet (aside from the dino boots) he will act as if you are tutoring him. We have lost a couple shoes in the grocery store or Target because Teague will throw them and I just want to get the hell out of the store so I don't notice the missing shoe.

When we first bought the dino boots, I knew these were different for him. He slept in them for weeks. That's right, the kid won't wear jammies to bed, but huge rain boots are no problem. I was hoping the excitement of them would wear off so that I could ditch them when they became too small. No such luck. The pair we have now three sizes too small and yet he insists on wearing them. I have been looking all over the internet to find this exact pair in Teague's size. Lord help me if I get a new pair and they aren't a perfect match.

Thankfully, Hailey has a memory like an elephant. That child remembers everything, which usually works against me. Today, however, it saved the day. I was looking for replacement boots and Hailey asked what I was up to. I told her I was looking for boots like Teague's only bigger. She said "Does Fred Meyer still have them?" That wonderful little elephant remembered where we bought the shoes!

On a whim, I called Fred Meyer to see if they still had them. Miraculously, not only does our local Fred Meyer have them in Teague's size, but also in the next two sizes up!  Hooray!

Hailey's garden

A few months back Hailey asked if she could plant a vegetable garden so that she could bring healthy food to the local homeless population. I reluctantly agreed and we set off to the store to buy seeds and soil. She has been the one to plant the seeds, water them and transplant them outside when they are ready. Today she was delighted to see that not only her spinach was ready to be harvested, but also her peas are starting to flower.

 Planting the cucumbers

 Harvesting the spinach

 Hailey is most excited about the peas. 

 The peas are starting to flower

A view of the spinach, onions and carrots.

We harvested the spinach less than an hour ago and already I have been asked if we can deliver salads to the homeless. I think I know what we will be doing this weekend.

One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish it were socially acceptable to pour beer on your cheerios? That is my day so far and the clock just struck noon. Although I probably wouldn't do beer or cheerios since I hate both.

Our day started with Josie falling off her chair at breakfast. Now had she been monkeying around I would consider it a natural consequence and gone on with my day. However she wasn't monkeying around, but rather sitting nicely waiting for me to get her a spoon for her yogurt. This was a nice slap to the face to remind me that things are just a bit different in our house. Josie falls from her seat at least once a week and every time it is while she is just sitting. I hate to admit it, but this is the one reason we seldom eat at the table anymore. We normally have a picnic in the living room that way if Josie tips over while eating, she can't get hurt. Thankfully she wasn't hurt, just upset that it keeps happening. I am right there with ya kid.

No more than thirty minutes later Teague was eating a Gouda cheese (did you know Gouda cheese makes great window paint? Not only does it turn your window white it is a pain in the ass to get off) and it broke in half. Teague erupted into the best meltdown I have ever had the privilege of seeing. Attempts to swap the cheese or squish it back together were met with slaps to the face and kicks to other body parts. After the longest hour of my life, the dog came to the rescue and ate the cheese. For a brief second I thought "oh fuck! If he gets this upset over a broken cheese, what will he do when the dog eats it?" The answer: Nothing. He jumped up and ran off to play like he was having the best day ever.

Teague's idea of playing lately has been to dump things everywhere. I try not to wish time would pass more quickly, but I would give anything to skip to the point in my life when he wasn't dumping things all day long. So far he has dumped a container of Xanthan Gum (what we use for thickener) in the toilet, kicked a container of oats down the steps, a new thing of almond milk in the play kitchen sink, craisens in the fish tank and the list could go on for days. Today he dumped a half gallon of milk on the steps. I must have given a pretty good mom stare because without saying a word all three kids went quickly and quietly up the steps.

While I am sopping up the milk and the stubborn oats from days earlier I hear a blood curdling scream from upstairs. I go up to find Hailey holding her leg, Teague smiling and Hailey saying Teague bit her. Sure as shit, there is a the bloody outline of his teeth on the inside of her thigh and a bit of blood on the corner of his mouth.

I am not even going to go into the amount of choking at lunch, that would just get depressing. So for now, I am going to make the little two nap and the eldest go to school so I can pretend like this morning never ever happened.

"Today isn't a good day to be homeless and hungry"

I can always count on Hailey to help me put things into perspective. She reminds me that the mess can wait or that sometime we need to eat our dessert first. Today she reminded me that sometimes my plans aren't the ones that matter.

I woke up this morning ready to tackle the mess that is my house. We had just one quick errand to run, then it would be time to throw on some 80's music and get down to cleaning. Hailey apparently woke up with a different idea of how today would go. During the middle of our errand to the fabric store Hailey asked if we could fill some homeless people's buckets.

For those of you who haven't read Have You Filled a Bucket Today? I highly recommend it. Basically the book talks about how everyone has an invisible bucket that holds their good feeling. You can fill a person's bucket with kind words and actions. You dip into a person's bucket by being unkind. It is a great way to teach children that their actions affect those around them.

I tried explaining to Hailey that today wasn't the best day to fill buckets. It was close to lunch and nap time, I had nothing to keep Teague busy in the car, and basically tomorrow would be a much better day to do it. I got a response I wasn't prepared for. Hailey looked me in the eyes and said "Today isn't a good day to be homeless and hungry." She was right.

With that, we went on a mission to fill buckets. As we pulled back into the driveway Hailey asked "Aren't you glad we did that?" I am.

I urge you all to fill a bucket today. It doesn't take a lot of time, money or energy. Ask the cashier at the store how their day was and genuinely care about what they say. Hold the door open for a stranger. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line at Starbucks. It just takes a moment, but it will make your day (and theirs) much happier.

Whoops!

Most days when I leave the house I feel like I should wear a giant sash that says "I apologize in advance if something my kids or I say offends you." I do realize that would need to be a huge sash, but it was a much needed one today.

Today was Josie's pre-op appointment. I have learned that for any major doctor appointment Josie should bring a favorite toy. The doctors are always willing to show Josie what will be done on her lovey and it makes her less scared. Josie's doll Avery joined us on our quest today. Avery is like an American Girl Doll, but apparently a bit huskier. Josie had asked that I put Avery's tights on in the waiting room. I got them on about a third of the way before we were called back to our room. Keep in mind it took me 20 minutes to get the tights on that far. We get back to our room, I continue my battle with the tights and Josie starts making us both high on dry erase markers.

After a few minutes the nurse comes in and asks Josie the standard questions. One of those questions is "Do you hurt anywhere?" Josie said she had a slight headache and the nurse made a note of it. The nurse leaves and in walks the doctor and med student. After a brief introduction the following conversation takes place.

Doctor: Josie, where is your pain?
Josie: I have a pain in the ass.
Me: Excuse me?
Josie: You said Avery's tights were being a pain in the ass. See (pointing at the tights), I have a pain in the ass.
Me: He wants to know if you hurt somewhere.
Josie: Oh, yeah my head still hurts.




So, who wants to make me that sash?

The small things

If I have learned anything over the last year, it is to appreciate the small steps forward. It is so easy to look at Teague and think of all the things he should be doing at his age and to get discouraged when he does things that he should know is wrong. I am trying my hardest to focus on the positives, so here I go with a list of positives from lately:

1) Early this week as I was tucking Teague into bed and we were doing our usual bedtime routine which consists of me going through a list of songs he may want and he nods when I name the song he wants. I went through the list and he didn't signal that he wanted any of the songs. So I asked again if he wanted songs. He nodded yes and then held up one finger and blew on it like it was a candle. Teague is not one for imaginative play with the exception of pretending it is his birthday. That boy can constuct a birthday cake and candles out of anything, I am pretty sure it is because a dear friend made him the coolest dinosaur cake for his birthday. After he blew on his finger I asked if he wanted the birthday song and he got a huge smile and nodded. This was huge for us. Never before has he mimed what he wanted.

2) Teague has started going into speech without me. I will admit that I was a bit sad when he willingly walked away and never came looking for me. Today he walked away, a bit less willingly than last time, but still did it and was a good boy for his wonderful speech therapist. In the last month I have seen a huge improvement in the quality of his imitations. His spontaneous speech is still nonexistent, but that will come with time. He can't say words until he learns to imitate them.

3) He ate his sister's fish. I am sure that shouldn't be on this list as it was probably a terrifying death for the fish and his stomach is a bit unhappy about his choice of snack, but have you ever tried to catch a tetra with your bare hands? Those bastards are fast! I do give him credit for being able to catch one, hold onto it and get it into his mouth. That takes talent.

4) The girls and I have been reading a lot of books on Autism. They are starting to understand a bit more about why Teague does the things he does. Because of this, they react less harshly when he takes their toys or screams at them. Hailey has been so quick to learn new approaches to talking to him. She amazes me with her ability to speak to him calmly even after he has just hit her upside the head with a toy. Josie is still struggling at times to understand that Teague isn't being mean for the sake of being mean. Thankfully she doesn't know about the fish.

5) Tomorrow we start occupational therapy. I am really hoping it helps with his sensory seeking behaviors. I don't think that I can replace fish daily without Josie getting suspicious. Don't get me wrong, he has a few other sensory seeking behaviors that are far worse than fish eating, but that is the only one that would break his sister's heart.

In those moments that it is hard to hold onto those small victories, I turn on a song by Jason Mraz and it gets me back to the mindset that I need to be in. I don't think there is a better song to describe a bond between a parent and their child with special needs. 

That isn't strawberry sauce

Telling Teague to stop what he is doing is like telling a cat to come. It may happen, but it isn't because of what you said. I can't count the number of times a day I say "walking feet" or "stop running" but someone is always running. Always. Tonight was no exception.

After fleaing from the table, Teague was tearing through the living room when he fell face first into a wall. I heard the thud, but since it wasn't followed by screaming I was more worried about missing my opportunity to clean him off than him being hurt. Tonight's dinner was crepes with a strawberry sauce. Of course Teague only licked the sauce off the crepes, leaving speckles of strawberries all over.

I got him cleaned off and sent him on his way. A friend of mine told me that a boy is noise with dirt on it and that couldn't be more true about Teague. I wasn't surprised when a few minutes later I had to get more strawberry sauce off his head. It wasn't until I had made sure all the dishes were rinsed off and I was still wiping sauce off his head that I realized it wasn't strawberries. Whoops.

The lesson is that blood and strawberry sauce look identical on a noise with dirt on it.

One little word

When Hailey was a toddler, she was tested for developmental delays. At 13 months she wasn't talking, didn't respond to her name being called and was not walking normally. I remember the week leading up to the test I didn't eat or sleep. I probably shouldn't have drove to that appointment. I was a wreck. Her tests revealed that chronic ear infection had affected her hearing and balance and simple placement of tubes would help her hear and everything else fell into place.

Fast forward to today. Teague finally was seen by the developmental pediatrician.  Last night I got the best sleep I have had in months because I knew what was going to be said today.

Autism

How can one little word make your heart stop, give you determination unlike you have ever felt, scare the shit out of you and give you an odd peace all at once?

It was truly no surprise. I have had a gut feeling since just after he was 18 months old, but in that moment I had to fight the urge to tell the doctor she were wrong. Did she not see how smart my little boy was? How he was loving in his own way? Then it hit me, having Autism doesn't mean he isn't smart, it doesn't mean he isn't loving. He is the same little boy today that he was last week, still smart, still loving and still a bit naughty.

That one little word will mean more therapies, different approaches to problems, and teaching the girls (and others) a bit more compassion and understanding. Thankfully I won't be walking this path alone. I am blessed to know several amazing people that are Autism parents. I will gladly take on this new role as an Autism mom, because I wouldn't change a thing about Teague. He is perfect the way he is.


A letter to my son:

Oh Bubby, it seems life has thrown us another curve ball. But together, with determination and probably a fair amount of cussing from me, we will make it work. It won't be easy, but this is my promise to you:

• I promise that I will fight to give you every opportunity to succeed.
• I promise to walk beside you through life, ready to guide you and help you up should you stumble. 
• I promise to let you fall at times, just like I do with your sisters. We learn best from our mistakes and I want you to learn all that life has to offer.
• I promise to never let you fall too far. 
• I promise to tell you I love you several times of day and wait patiently for you to learn the words to say it back. Until then, I will gladly accept the occasional  "yeah" in response.
• I promise to make other see you as the person you are rather than a diagnosis. 
• Lastly, I promise to do my best. I know I won't be perfect so please be patient with me and know I am trying. 

I love you,
Mama

Gummy bears

Today the kids started going "chores" and by chores I mean they are being forced to clean up their own messes. Each child needed to do two hard-ish task like sweeping or wiping counters, two easy tasks like feeding the critters, and make their beds. To reward the kids, we walked to the store and got them gummy bears. Really this was just a ploy and the real reason we went to the store is I wanted a steak. Since the kids can't have steak I had to sneak it into the cart. Do you know how hard it is to sneak a steak into the cart with three vultures circling? Josie asked what the white thing was and she was quickly distracted when asked to hold her precious gummy bears. I almost feel bad for giving the kids the hooves of a cow while I dine on the tender meat. Almost.

4 weeks

It has been 4 weeks since our "see you soons" and I think I have finally found my footing. With sub deployments it was always a bit easier to get in the swing of things. I don't feel the need to stay home just so I wouldn't miss a phone call. Apparently cell phone companies haven't figured out how to get cell reception under a couple hundred feet of water. I am not too surprised by that seeing as I don't even get reception in my house. With the hubby being on land, I find myself not wanting to be out of the house around dinner time or early in the day so I can spend that time talking with him even if it is just a quick "have a good day! I am going to bed."

This past week everyone in the house came down the a stomach bug. I have never had to do so much laundry. But I think we are finally in the clear. Everyone got a full night sleep and as an extra bonus, I didn't have to scrub any poo off my walls! This gave me some much needed energy to make calls that were needed to be made. So this is a warning, if I need to get a hold of you and you haven't returned my calls I am now stalking your ass. Example: Our genetics doc wanted some tests run back in November. I submitted the paper work to insurance and it was approved on Nov. 11th. This is when I started calling Genetics to schedule the testing. I left message after message and never heard back. Then the hubby came home and deployed again, slump ensued, but now I am back. This morning, I found the head of MaryBridge Genetics and we had a lovely little chat. No more than 10 minutes after I got off the phone with them did I get a call from the man I had been leaving messages with, apologizing for basically being an asshat. Next on my list is the IA Ombudsman, maybe someone should warn her that I am on a mission today. Nah, that might ruin my fun.

Military life

When I talk with my nonmilitary friends about deployments or really anything having to do with the military life, I often get "I don't think I could do it" as a response. Military life isn't for everyone and it certainly isn't easy, but it opens up a whole new world. I don't think in any other community would you find the outreach of help that you find in the military world.

I was on the receiving end of this help today. For the last three day (at least I think it has been three, I am a bit foggy) the kids and I have been very ill and that jumbo pack of paper towels I purchased just days ago is now gone. I put a call out to my neighbors on facebook asking if anyone had some paper towels I could buy from them. The out pour of people saying they would bring me some was unbelievable. Typically that gesture would have been amazing, but what made it even more incredible was that people were offering this help in the middle of the worst snow storm our neck of the woods has seen in nearly 20 years. People were offering to drive to my house from miles away just to help another military spouse that was literally wading in a pool of puke. My rescuer came in the form of a young lady no older than 12 dressed head to toe in snow gear. In that moment, even though there was vomit all over my floor, I haven't had a chance to shower in days and my house has never been such a disaster, it was so heartwarming to know that even though it was a random need I had people willing to come to my aid. 

The military community is good for things other than bringing you supplies to clean up bodily fluids, you will find people who can fill your heart with joy even on the hardest of days. In December a friend, who happens to be a wonderful photographer, asked if I would like to squeeze in family photos before my husband left. When I say squeeze in, I mean squeeze in. I believe she sent me a message on Tuesday, pictures were Thursday and the hubby left Monday. We were given a glimpse of a few of the pictures after they were taken, but the rest were kept a secret. Being a military wife, Raina Skye understands that sometimes during deployments you need a little pick me up and what better pick me up than photos of your loved ones? Raina must have known that I needed a pick me up today because she shared the rest of the photos to me today. Words cannot even begin to express how much those photos mean to me.

Military life isn't always easy or pretty, but it is nice to know that we have a community that comes together to help and support each other.