Homecoming...

I have to admit that one of my guilty pleasures is watching shows like "Coming Home" while the hubby is away. For those of you that have never watched the show, it is about military homecomings and spews love and pure awesomeness. If you are a military family, you know this really isn't how it happens. If you aren't a military family, let me explain how a real military homecoming works:

Days before arrival: You frantically clean and try to make sure everything is perfect only to have at least one child (or pet) sabotaging your efforts.

Day before: You break out the weed whacker and attack your leg hair that has no doubt been left alone for the last few months.

Day of: You primp for hours while taking caffeine intravenously because you are too excited to sleep. You then get all the children looking somewhat clean and cute into the car and go and wait for hours because the time you are told they would arrive and when they arrive are two very different things. You spend this day on cloud nine and your face hurts from smiling (this is where TV shows like to stop filming).

The following few days: You are happy to have your loved one home, but are growing more annoyed by the pile of stuff that smells like boat (which is a mixture of diesel fuel, BO and recycled farts) which has taken over your bedroom floor. At this time you are also trying to integrate service member back into routines, but end up getting frustrated because they don't do things your way.

A week after arrival: You are ready to have you time and will run just about any errand that comes up as long as you can do it alone. Most days I would volunteer to get the oil changed and sit in a stinky mechanic shop if I can just go alone.

What I would really like TLC to show is a week after homecoming when the wife is laying in bed, hears a man's voice and freaks the fuck out. That has happened to me twice in the last two weeks. I woke up to the hubby talking in his sleep and I jumped out of bed forgetting that he was home and wondering how a stranger made it past the dog (who really would be useless if someone broke in). Maybe I should suggest this to the show.